To all the Minivan Haters: Read This and Weep (And be Jealous)

Are you ready for some real talk?

Well here goes because who knows me to ever hold back?

Today, I want to talk automobiles with you. More specifically, I want to talk automobiles with you of the van variety.

Let me start by saying, for a girl, I really love cars. When I was in high school in Kansas City, I would play a game while I was driving where I would try and accurately guess the make and model of cars driving by me on the highway as fast as I could. And I was pretty darn good at the time if I do say so myself. I also liked to look at AutoTraders and would get on car websites to see how I could snazz up my good ol’ Chevy Cavalier.

My dream car was (and still is) a Range Rover. I would (and still do) take one look at those things and immediately feel sad. They are so pretty. So sporty. So awesome. And so totally out of my price range.

But I digress. Back to the vans.

I’m 29.5 years old and have been driving a minivan for over two years. I never planned on it. In fact, I rebelled against it for the years leading up to my conversion because I, like most of my friends, was a minivan hater.

I mean, what’s not to hate? They are so practical. So nonsporty. And let’s be real. So momlike. Does anything scream MOM more than driving one?

I think not!

Not to mention the lack of sex appeal.

I mean, I can actually feel like I look semi-attractive (heck, I might even be dressed to the nine), but the second I plunk my bootie in the driver’s seat of my mini van–whoosh! Sex appeal gone. Mom jeans on. (Metaphorically speaking of course!) And I can almost hear the song, “I’m too sexy for my van, too sexy for my van, so sexy it hurts…” blaring in the background. Honestly, I really can. I’ve looked for the hidden stereo before.

But here is the thing all you haters need to know. Outwardly, I still talk trash on them. A lot. of. trash.

But inwardly, I LOVE the darn things. It’s still hard for me to admit, but the time has come prior to the birth of my third son to lay it ALL on the line and humble myself. So here goes.

5 Simple Reasons Why being a Minivan Hater is Super Stupppppiiiiidddd for this Minivan Hating Mama:

van shot

1. I am a mom. There is no denying this. I don’t try and hide this fact in any other facet of my life. In fact, I flood my Facebook Newsfeed with pictures of the children I created that I am obsessed with (I can almost hear some of you screaming AMEN TO THAT). So why do I feel it is an insult to be in a car that is equated with being a mom? It don’t make sense, ladies and gents. I am a mom, hear me roar. Or in this case, hear my minivan honk.

2. Minivans are so flipping spacious. And let’s be real, kids. The more kiddos you pop out, the more room for snacks, bags, coats, hats, etc. you need. Can your sexy sportscar fit a double jogging stroller in the back of it and a single stroller and four suitcases and a jungle gym and a slide and a pool and a snack hut and a dog? I think not!

3. The sliding doors. Nothing beats automatic sliding doors. When you are exiting the grocery store with one little rascal holding your shirt tail and one holding your leg and four grocery sacks in your hand and a purse hanging off your arm and a cell phone ringing inside…just try and tell me that you wouldn’t just DIE in that moment to have your doors automatically open for your little ones to jump right in without the worry of their doors hitting the car next to you. Just try to lie to me about this one and I’ll call you on it. Better yet, I’ll let you take my van out for a spin the next time you go shopping with your kids.

4. Minivans are so low to the ground. For the reason mentioned above in number 3, when you have 1, 2, 3, 4…kiddos, it is annoying and heavy to lift them one by one into a vehicle. SUVs are attractive. But they are tall. And if you are going to lie to me and tell me your 1-year-old can easily crawl into the back seat of your suburban, I won’t believe you. My kids crawl like little monkeys into the side of my van. Take that, SUV lovers. One less thing for this pregnant momma to lift=sweet victory.

5. The Price Tag and Gas Mileage…when you compare the space and amenities you get with a van and gas mileage to the same type of SUV, they are hard to beat. And while I know most of you out there aren’t concerned with finances, gosh darn, we kind of like to pay attention to them.

So those are my top reasons. But here is the real gosh-awful truth about my minivan love, the REAL CONFESSION I need to get off my back.

The hubs travels quite frequently on business, which means I am often left with both of our vehicles to choose from when he is gone–our small and attractive and still semi-sexy SUV or our mommified, unsexy, practical van. And dear minivan hating friends, I haven’t chosen the blessed SUV for the last 10 trips.

Before Guy leaves, I tell him. “Wow, I am so glad I’ll have a chance to drive something other than the van this week,” but in the back of my head, I know the simple truth. When the time comes for the big choice and the sun shines down into our garage giving me the option of what vehicle I want to define my identify that day and I look down at the five bags in my hands and the two critters crawling around me on the floor… in that glorious moment, the sun always shines a little brighter on the darn minivan. And I can almost see angels surrounding it and hear heavenly music or maybe I just remember how darn convenient it is. :)

So I load the two boys up in my sexy minivan with my mom jeans proudly pulled up to my neck and then we take off into the sunset never to be seen again and leave the SUV sitting in the dust.

And at that moment, you will hear my enthusiastic/minivan loving/mommy battle cry sounding throughout the Wichita metro as I roll down my window and yell out,


Not really. But it’s the truth.

So I dare you to get one. Drive it for one year. And then return to something different.

I triple. dog. dare. you.

Will you stay a minivan hater or a minivan convert?

I will try and let you lie to yourself for now.

But get back to me after that year is up.

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Quinn is a wife, blogger and boymom with a degree in marriage and family therapy. 99% of her time is spent keeping her four boys alive and the other 1% is spent writing about their crazy times in her blog called Sanctification and Spitup also found on Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram. If you want to instantly feel better about the hecticness of your life, give her a follow to see it could be much worse. (She only wishes she was kidding.)

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