If you’ve watched any movie or television throughout your life, I’m sure you can think of the “classic” post-sex love scene where a version of this phrase is uttered.
“Wow. That was some good loving.”
When I hear this line as I write, I instantly see two people laying in bed normally not married and many times engaged in some type of one-night stand, maybe smoking a cigarette, maybe not. Looking tired but pleased. Maybe invigorated and coming down from the high of alcohol or drugs. And likely glistened with sweat.
But so, so happy for that short instant after ‘making love’ where they have just received something special. A true dose of love.
Something so wonderful. So amazing. Loving that leaves them so impressed. That many times by the time they have rolled the other way in the bed, they are already contemplating how to avoid seeing this person ever again.
Are you with me? Do you have a scene of your own?
Well I don’t know about you. But from my experience as a wife and mother.
That scene is most definitely the EPITOME of good loving.
I mean I think the filmmakers are spot on in their portrayal of good loving.
Cause if I was picking the way I want to receive love in my marriage.
That is it.
Especially the part about alcohol and drugs. Cause you know me. Wild and free.
But in all seriousness. Today, in this blog. I want to focus on intentional love. And the giving of it.
So let me start by asking you this? As a challenge question.
Are you a good lover? Yes, you heard me.
Are YOU a good lover?
(Please private message me your answers so we can discuss.)
TOTALLY KIDDING. DO NOT DO THAT.
No, I’m not talking about the HOLLYWOOD type of lover, but are you good at showing love to those around you?
To your spouse? Children? Family? Friends?
If not, keep reading cause this is for you.
If you’ve ever talked with me about love, then you know I am very passionate about Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages Book. If you’ve never heard of it, I highly encourage you to look it up. Or at least go to his website and take the quiz by clicking HERE. ;)
In his book, he discusses the 5 primary ways he believes people give and receive love. They are:
1. Words of Affirmation…spoken and expressed feelings of love and appreciation
2. Quality Time…spending connected and engaged time with that person
3. Physical Touch…expressing love through touch, affection and love
4. Gifts…buying that loved one things
5. Acts of Service…doing things for that loved one (taking out the trash, etc.)
Chapman also talks about a person’s tendency to give love in the manner you like to receive love. IE..If I like gifts, then I buy you gifts. However, this tends to be a point of contention in many relationships because that only works if the person you are showing love to has the same love language as you. But for many, that never dawns on us.
If you’ve never thought about it, this thought of love being received in different ways is huge! It can also make a huge difference in understanding why sometimes a person feels like they are doing sooooooo much for their spouse to show love, but their spouse isn’t “feeling” it.
After many years of studying myself, I have learned I am a words of affirmation girl and an acts of service girl.
But I quickly learned in Guy and I’s relationship that words of affirmation meant nothing to him. I used to want to write cards for Hallmark. So early on in our marriage, I spent a fortune on the teeny tiny budget we had buying Hallmark cards for Guy. Then I would take time to write the sweetest most heartfelt cards I could possibly imagine…the kind that I would imagine every husband would enjoy receiving.
Then I would hide them around our little apartment and be soooo excited for the moment when Guy would open them up and read them. Problem is… I never quite got the reaction I was looking for. He would open the card, read it quietly, hug me and say thank you. And that was that.
Then I’d say.
Are you freaking kidding me? That was Shakespearean quality writing there. Did you really focus on how sweet that was?
And he would be like. Yes. Thank you. That was sweet.
And I’d be all like, “Then read it again. And show me some passion this time.” :)
But one day it hit me:
He can’t change what’s meaningful to him. But I can change the way in which I’m expressing my love to him.
So I stopped buying cards and writing novels for him (and started this blog instead ;) and asked HIM what meant something to him.
And lo’ and behold. Quality time is very important to him. So when I’m in a cleaning frenzy and he asks me to stop and watch a movie with him. That is him actually saying, “Hey, here’s a chance to show me some love instead of wasting your time on a card or a gift.”
Problem is, I like cleaning. So who wins when an opportunity arises to show him love?
I mean, it’s a lot easier to show someone love when it is the time and place you want to do it.
But that isn’t how love works. Is it?
In fact, it almost seems that many times intentional love, the kind that actually makes a difference to our spouse or loved one, is inconvenient.
If you think about this in terms of children, it is easier to see. If they are sick in the night, we get up and help them. It is obvious they need our love. Despite any inconvenience.
But when it comes to other adults in our lives. We are quick to say. “Can’t you receive my love at a better time for me?”
But here’s the thing.
Loving someone well isn’t about you. It’s about them. And it gives them the energy to love you back.
And it isn’t about doing what they want but acting annoyed while doing it. No, it’s about taking the time to let them know they are important enough to prioritize.
For some people, the bedroom (like Hollywood) IS where they need to receive love. And even if that is the last place you desire to be, that is the best place to let them know you care.
For others, it is taking the time to get them a gift even though you may not care at all about gifts and think it is a total waste of money.
And husbands with wives at home….THIS IS JUST FOR YOU….If you have young children at home and you want to earn some brownie points and make your wife feel so, so, so so loved.
Follow these instructions, ACTS OF SERVICE. ACTS OF SERVICE. ACTS OF SERVICE. Even for girls that normally do not like acts of service, as moms. Getting help is huge.
After dinner tonight, tell your wife to go watch TV and you take the kids and bathe them and put them to bed without bragging that you did it. Or on Saturday, offer to let her go shop alone while you watch the kids. And when she returns, don’t act like you did something amazing by watching your own kids.
Just smile and say, “I hope you know how important it is to me that you get time to yourself and that I get time with our kids.”
And reverse that moms if you work and your hubby stays at home.
Loving well. Well, it’s all about being intentional. It’s all about getting to know that person who loves you and asking what makes them feel the very closest to you. Kids too.
Don’t be offended if what they need is different than what you need. Receive their effort to express love to you in the way that they know you like it.
Don’t be offended if they don’t naturally likes words of affirmation like you do. Or sex. Or gifts.
Just learn what they need. And dish it out.
And stop wasting your time on things that mean nothing to them.
Go buy some flowers.
Clean the dishes.
Sit and talk with them.
Give them a huge hug and don’t let go.
Whatever it is.
Today, I challenge you to LOVE THEM WELL.
So that they have no option but to go all Hollywood on you and belt out.
Now THAT was some gooooooooooooooooooooooooodddd loving!
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” I Corinthians 13: 4-8