A 5-Step Guide to Making Sense of Texts (from Your Friend that Can’t Text)

Listen. We all have them. Those friends we dearly love, but no matter what, their text typos nearly prevent us from being able to understand half of what they’re saying. These are the friends that actually make us want to pick up the phone and make a phone call (yes, dial their number) over trying to use the genius of modern-day texting because they text us things like this: “As watering to the pack rat it your went to Jazzercise.”

Because after reading what they text us, we’re always left scratching our head as we try to figure out if they are:
1) Trying to let us know they are spraying water on a pack rat that likes to Jazzercise?
2) Needing us to bring them some water as they Jazzercise like a pack rat??
3) Or possibly asking us to bring their pack rat some water at Jazzercise?!?

But no matter what they are trying to tell us, one thing is for sure, their situation always sounds desperate! (And super weird.) So we frantically reply with texts like: “I’m not really one that’s good with pests, but I’ll bring a broom if you think that will help.” Only to receive texts like this in return: “So sorry. Lol. I meant to say, I’m walking to the park if you want to join.”

And as we begin taking off our hazmat suit and putting our broom back in the closet, we aren’t sure whether to block their texts, enroll them in an English class or just take them a bottle of wine out of pity. But regardless our decision, we know this for sure, we’ll never understand their texts or why they don’t make sense. Ever.

Well today, as I confess to you that I am the slacker friend of my friends that sends out these types of nonsensical texts daily (despite having a degree in journalism—eeeck—I know!)—I want to thank you for being friends with your texting-challenged friend and petition you to not give up on them by offering you a guide to understanding both them and their horrible texts. Because your friend needs you in the same way that a dirty diaper needs changed. ;)

A 5-Step Guide To Understanding Texts from your friend that Can’t Text:

The “It’s all Good” Text:
Good morning, sweet friend! Are you up for a trip to Jumpy World? I can drive if you are okay to let the kids sit in a booster in the back.
A text like this indicates that your friend had a great night’s sleep, a long run followed by a hot shower, a balanced breakfast, and a fit-free morning from the kids. In other words, you will NEVER receive this type of text from her (or me). So let’s keep moving.
The “I’m Sleepy” Text:
Good morning, sweet freak. Are you up for a trap to Jumpy World? I can drive if you are okay to let the cats sit in a burger in the back.
This text is an indication that your friend got less than 6.5 hours of sleep and has a cold, but she’s still up and at ‘em. She may not be able to carry on a full conversation, but she will most definitely not strap your kids into a burger in her backseat. But depending on how bad her day gets, she may be the type that would get them a burger at McDonald’s and not tell you she did it.
The “I’m a Hot Mess!” Text
Good marching, swell freak. Aren’t you up fork a trap to Jumpy Wizard? I cannot drive is you are obey to lot the cats sit on a burger is the back.
This text is an indication that your friend has dealt with a total of 6 kid meltdowns before 10 am. She has not showered in three days. Her coffee machine is broken. And she got pulled over exiting the carpool line this morning without her bra on. Give her some sympathy!
The “I’m Teetering on the Verge of a Mommy Meltdown” Text
Goo marching, sfreak. Ar yuu up fork a trap to Jumpy Wizard I canop is you are obey to lot the cats sit on burger the backward.
This text indicates your friend has had more than a rough day. Her month has been rough. And her year. And the only thing to help her along is some caffeine, chocolate, and a weekend getaway to Rome OR a long chat with a friend about how she needs to get to Rome. So find the nearest Gondala and float on over to her for a chat. She’s much easier to understand in person. I promise.
The “Save Me” Text:
Dhldahfdls;aweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee edhalfkheahflkcnvldlfhalshlelsse
Now if this wasn’t from your texting-challenged friend, you would assume the toddler got her phone, but in your case, this is just her trying to type something to you. This text translates into: The kitchen is on fire, come save me, but call a sitter on your way cause Momma needs a night out. When you get this, do not pass GO, just bring your fire extinguisher, a box of chocolates and your 20-year-old dial up phone—to leave at her house for other occasions like this (way down the road) where you can tell her you are only able to receive phone calls, not texts. Hopefully she’ll never need it, but just in case…she’ll have it for tomorrow. ;)