You know how there are shows called Extreme Couponing? Or Extreme Cheapskates? Well, if I was on a show. Mine would be called Extreme Breastfeeders. Because, I’ve been a mom for 6.5 years and have been breastfeeding 5 of those years.
Meaning, I’m the kind of mom that lets her kids breastfeed WELL past the time that society still deems it socially appropriate. The kind that makes other people uncomfortable at times, even other moms, when they find out how long I breastfeed my children. And you’ll see why if you keep reading. ;)
Like my first son breastfed until one week past his second birthday when I found out I was pregnant with my second son, and my second son stopped at 21 months when I found out I was pregnant with my third son. And my third son, well I’m not pregnant yet, so he’s still going strong at 20 months.
And I don’t plan to have anymore, so he might actually go until he can do multiplication.
I’m TOTALLY kidding.
Just until he can read.
However, once they pass their year birthday, I turn into more of a closet breastfeeder where I no longer want to do it publicly. Because in my opinion, if they can wolf down a hamburger like a wild animal, they are not in need of my nutrition while playing at the park. So I make them wait until we’re home. So it can sweetly be between us. That’s just how I prefer to roll. Or should I say, milk.
But wowza, once we’re at home, my milk machines are out all day. And for some strange reason, I don’t care. I just let them fly. Drinks for everyone. I’ll even nurse your baby if you don’t watch out.
Actually, I don’t do that. But I sure LOVE to tell my friends I do just to see their reactions when they come to pick their baby from my house and I say, “She breastfed really well today. We didn’t even have to use the bottle you left.”
But all joking aside, with all the time I’ve spent breastfeeding children, I have learned that if you are going to breastfeed your children FOREVER, you DO need to prepare yourself for some awkward encounters/conversations that may come as a result. Because the longer they do it, they more the love it. Or should I say, love to talk about it? So here are:
10 Awkward Encounters To Expect When Your Child Breastfeeds until They Read:
1. They say “boobies.” All. Of. The. Time. So when you’re out in public you have to try and cover for them saying that word at the drop of a hat.
Milk Addict: “Boobies!”
Milk Cow: “Oh, he was saying he wants to boogie. He’s a dancer, you know.”
Milk Addict: “No, Mommy. I said, “I want your boobies.”
2. They start using the suave “hand lead” to pull you to the nursing chair when people are over. (Imagine Derek Hough leading his partner across the dance floor, but make him shorter and balder and without a mustache.)
Milk Addict: “Just follow my lead, Mommy. Tell our guests we’ll return in a minute.”
Milk Cow: “Hey, we’ll be back. Just give us a sec. And feel free to start Easter dinner without us. Even though I cooked it all.”
3. They start reaching down the shirts of other women when they’re thirsty.
Milk Addict: “Oooooh. I’m so thirsty. Can I have a drink?”
Milk Cow: “He’s not actually trying to be inappropriate, he just wants to nurse you. I mean ME!”
4. When they want it. They want IT. I mean THEM. And they are hard to deter.
Bystander: “Does he need something? He seems really focused on something in your shirt. Like he’s trying to unbutton it.
Milk Cow: “Oh, no he’s fine. Here’s your milk cup, baby. Yum. Doesn’t that sound good?”
Milk Addict: Chucks cup across the room.
5. They start giving other babies advice on how to do it properly.
Milk Addict: “Now, I see you’re using your teeth instead of your lips. My mommy never goes for the teeth. She says that’s the fastest way to get yourself weaned.”
Milk Cow: “Son, let’s just let the baby nurse.”
Milk Addict: “What? I was just looking out for him!”
6. They chat it up with you. They pop on. They pop off. And like to tell you what it tastes likes.
Milk Addict: “MmmMmm. Did you eat cinnamon for breakfast? Delicious!!”
7. They throw a tantrum when a restaurant brings them cow’s milk instead of breastmilk.
Milk Addict: “Mommy, tell her I only drink breastmilk. I’m a purist!!!”
Milk Cow: “He’s kidding, totally kidding.”
8. They start getting witty and saying funny things before they start up.
Milk Addict: “Say hello to my little friends, I mean BIG friends!!”
Milk Cow: “Son, that’s inappropriate. Just eat.”
9. They ask for it every time they get a booboo because they remember you have squirted it on their every ailment from the time they were born.
Milk Addict: “Mommy, I just fell off the slide. I need some breastmilk on my knee. It hurts!!”
Milk Cow: “Shhh, son! He means Neosporin, people!!”
10. And my favorite. They start unknowingly hitting on other women thereby making you do the same.
Milk Addict: “You have nice boobies. You must have a lot of milk in there.”
Milk Cow: “He doesn’t really mean that in a bad way. He just means. He likes big boobs. And your boobs are really big. I mean…er….”
You might think that this list would be my number one reason for weaning. You would think. But strangely when people ask me, “So how long do YOU plan to breastfeed this one?”
I always laugh. And answer. “I don’t know.”
As soon as he can spell, “I LOVE BOOBIES!” we’ll consider weaning.
The author of this article is a wife, mother, blogger and licensed marriage and family therapist. 99% of her time is spent keeping her 3 boys alive and the other 1% is spent writing about their crazy times in her blog Sanctification and Spitup, which is also found on Facebook.